Have you not had sex with your spouse or partner in ages, but secretly fantasize or view sexually-related material online and masturbate. Or maybe the two of you do have sex however there’s no real connection to it…just “get it done”.
Has your porn use gone from a curiosity to a frequent occurrence or compulsivity with no end in sight?
Do you find that stress, boredom, and/or opportunity are common reasons that have you seeking out online sexual material or sexual encounters, and afterwards you feel awkward about or ashamed of because you know this isn’t part of the relationship agreement?
Have you ever said to yourself “I really need to stop this! It’s going to ruin my relationship, family, and/or career if I was ever caught!!”
As a spouse or partner, you sense you are being lied to however the answer is the same….”you’re wrong, it’s your imagination” etc., etc. Your growing inner conflict and sense of insecurity has you wanting to snoop or check your spouse or partner’s whereabouts….something you never would have imagined thinking or doing before.
Sex addiction, also known as Out Of Control Sexual Behaviour, is one of the most devastating threats to relationships due to the intimate nature of the behaviour and the resulting experience of betrayal. Few things hurt as much as being betrayed by a loved spouse or partner. A secret sex life outside a couple’s relationship agreement is key to this painful problem. Additionally, there is usually an element of compulsivity by the acting out individual, and the guilt and/or shame that is experienced sometime afterwards. This form of sexual behaviour is different from being in an open relationship which is built on trust, openness, and an agreement of terms by all persons.
For most betrayed spouses or partners, trust becomes non-existent and they experience significant grief over a relationship they thought they once had. The entire relationship can be at risk and a new sustainable relationship must be built from the foundation up. In most cases, it is the betrayed spouse who suspects there is a problem and eventually catches their partner in non-truths or activities which are outside of their relationship agreement.
Mary-Jean’s Approach to Treatment
The “sex addiction” model of treatment stems from the classic disease model of addiction, much like alcoholism, and is in part treated with a 12-Step Program as well as individual counselling. There are many strengths to this approach as well as some weaknesses.
Mary-Jean works with each client to create a set of individual treatment strategies that will best target and meet their needs. Treatment begins with a comprehensive assessment, looking at problematic sexual behaviours as well as other co-occurring behaviours and potential underlying issues. Recover strategies are begun in the very first appointment and are fine-tuned and added to during the course of treatment.
Mary-Jean also works with the couple as she finds it important to the betrayed spouse to ultimately receive a well thought out disclosure of the extent of the acting out that occurred in order for her or his recovery and healing to begin, and for trust gradually redevelop. Often a spouse or partner’s self-esteem is battered, with feelings of hopelessness, anger, despair, and low self-worth. It is essential that she or he receive support to cope during this difficult time and to rebuild a healthy sense of self in order to eventually heal as a couple.